Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Sometimes I wonder

When I moved back here and started taking S to school, it felt very strange being back here.

Early on, another of the mums came up and said "Hello X": I started and muttered, and she strode on her way. I'd noticed her before and guess we'd caught each other's eye, but I didn't acknowledge her cos I wasn't sure who she was ... and I didn't want to talk to anyone anyway. She didn't acknowledge me either, but obviously after a few days decided to confront me with a hello.
It did feel like a confrontation rather than a greeting, but perhaps it was my paranoia, or perhaps she thought I'd been blanking her.

I guess I should just smile at people, but at the time I was untreated for depression and I was hiding in my own little world. And I've forgotten how to make friends, I think.

It took me a while to work out who she was. I'm still not completely certain, but I think I've got the right name in mind. We've never spoken since, and I think perhaps she thinks I am ignoring her or feel antagonistic towards her.

And in truth, I am avoiding her.

Partly because she represents my past in some ways - she was a drinking buddy of Y's, although Y always slagged her off and spread nasty gossip about her, (like she was the local bike and had had multiple abortions). Some of it may have been true, I don't know, but ripping her to shreds was all very unnecessary.
(Why did I like Y? ... She was great fun so much of the time. But her faults were often things I wouldn't have accepted from virtually anyone else. It surprises me that I keep coming back to thinking about this. I guess even now, I'm still sort of fond of her, although our friendship is long-dead, past resurrecting.) The part of my past she represents is the person I was when I was going out drinking like that, and the person I was at school. I am still partly that person, of course, but I feel like people want to put you in a box for life and never let you out of it. If that makes any sense.

Another part of it, is that it was too embarrassing not remembering her name when she clearly remembered mine, and it has gone on so long that to start speaking to her would require some sort of explanation! :D And by now, (if she didn't initially), I think she probably does think I'm a snobby bitch or something.

I'm hopeless sometimes. :D

And I don't particularly want to make friends with her, or anyone there. We've been here quite some time, but I still feel like we're apt to move anytime, and what's the point of making the effort?

No comments: