Tuesday, March 01, 2016

Sorting through the things in my head

Disclaimer: I am aware that I am at risk of rewriting history. But this is how I remember it.

I said to my lover that my previous relationship had always been painful, and this is true.

I loved my ex a lot. I think maybe it was limerence to start with.

He was very much the loved, and quite cold to me. And when we got together properly, I was insecure because of this awareness of the unbalanced nature of our affections. I was always trying to be what he wanted. I remember saying to him once "I'll be whatever you want me to be" as a sort of sexy thing to say, but... I also meant it. (How terrifying). I was really into the notion of belonging to him, of being his.

He broke up with me the day before I was supposed to move in with him. For some reason, I used my plane ticket to go over anyway. It was awkward. Not surprisingly. I don't know what I was thinking to go over anyway. I guess to try and talk about it. Or to try to be a FWB if he didn't want a live-in relationship. How embarrassing. "The past is a foreign country: they do things differently there".

A year on, he got in touch by letter, and it all started up again.

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